sarahclownfish

sarahclownfish http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/ sarahclownfish - LiveJournal.com Sat, 08 Dec 2007 04:18:55 GMT LiveJournal / LiveJournal.com sarahclownfish 10064553 personal http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/134381.html Sat, 08 Dec 2007 04:18:55 GMT http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/134381.html I love my father however if he wants to let other's manipulate him then that's his own problem. Because of his lack of intelligence I am suffering. And this just pisses me off leaving no sympathy for me to give him. I've just about had it! I despise my life! I wake every day knowing what to expect knowing quite well I am incapable of changing a god damn thing. I've taken my medication however I have days it causes me to sleep and days it does not. I'm sick of being a play object for others to sit and laugh at. Tonight a decision will and must be made. If so, Leighsa will be called early tomorrow and I will quite my job which will set this decision in for good. And I'm making myself a bad ass meal tonight if I decide what I feel I will decide on. They've won I guess if I do. They'll get their therapy patients and shit, I honestly will never be capable of understanding it. All I know is it will continue and I will continue to be alone and laughed at. All I want is acceptance and happiness. I will never attain this here. I'm a joke here. A joke trying to fight this eating disorder as others try to keep me sick. I don't understand. I just want someone to talk to. I really cant live in pain anymore. Everyday hurts. I really just want to be comforted and to feel some sort of peace. So, tomorrow I, god, here comes the seroquel thank god. Shit, I also must take into account that my period is within a week, and I'm always a fucked up mess around this time. Still, I must make a fucking decision. God damn it why did I take this medication so early? I'm so god damn hungry!!! I feel like I smoked 20 joints or something. I had 2025 calories today. The past week must have averaged out to like 1900-2100 cals per day and I'm fucking still losing weight!!! Jesus fucking christ, I can't believe how much I have to eat to sustain this weight. I'm only on the elliptical for like 40 minutes, but I am muscular as fuck. And muscle requires a shit ton of energy. Shit, bed time for my bitch ass. God, I needed that calorie talk to get the suicide shit off the mind. Jesus christ I'm a fucking freak who is in need of serious help! http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/134381.html public

http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/134113.html Thu, 06 Dec 2007 21:48:33 GMT http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/134113.html God, I'm, I really truly honestly don't know anymore!!!!! Confused doesn't even begin to describe what I'm feeling! I'm sleepy right now. However I've been sitting in front of the computer quite sedentary so that explains the sleepiness. I'm more then anything, damn, I wish I could control what was going on around me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel, I don't know anymore. All I know is I'm not capable of dealing with any of this for much longer. No human being is capable of dealing with torment such as this! Mental cruelty is the best way to drive a borderline to suicide. Fuck, it's the best way to drive any "normal" individual to suicide. I was so close today. Each day becomes easier and easier. The thought actually brings peace and safety. I have no feel regarding the act what so ever at this point in my life. I'm actually more numb to the the thought of it. Relief I suppose you could associate with it. I would be free of everything here. No more pain. Which is all I'm asking for. The sad factor is I have absolutely zero control over it. Which fucks me up even more. The loneliness at this point I'm capable of handling. Well, maybe. I hate how terrible I'm feeling constantly!!! I currently want to binge/purge, well rethinking it and not so much! You know what? Why the fuck do such a terrible thing to my body? I wanna either do yoga or my abs DVD later though. That 20 minute abs is an awesome tape. I need to get my grocery shopping done too. Get that shit out of the way. http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/134113.html cold public

http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/133738.html Thu, 06 Dec 2007 21:19:19 GMT http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/133738.html Holy MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!! Uhhhhh yeah, take my exercise/"drug" away from me and I'm not a happy camper!!! Holy shit is this god damn difficult!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God damn it, it's all I thought about today at work. Calories, exercise, should I be eating what I'm eating, should I be eating less, should I allow myself to exercise, I mean jesus fucking Christ!!!! Doing this all on my own seems almost impossible!!! However I know I'm able to pull through this! I WILL BEAT THIS BITCH GOD DAMN IT!!!! Thinking about the future, I do plan on having children. And I'm not passing this torturous shit on to my own child!! Sure none of this is anytime soon however the sooner the better. I am doing better. The bulimia has improved gigantically!! However instead of restricting/binging, purging, I now have moved to exercise. Well now this is it!! Shit, I've hit just about every single one of them. Binge eating when I was 15,16, moving onto bulimia/anorexia during the 17-early 20's, now using exercise as a means of controlling issues I feel powerless over. I'm alone when it comes to recovery. However I'm strong enough to fight it on my own. I want to be healthy. And thats what it comes down to. God am I glad tomorrow is Thursday! Mother fucker, no matter what I write about I cant get it out of my mind. I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to exercise tomorrow. I feel it necessary to prove to myself that I will be fine one week without exercising. I really want to do yoga tomorrow. Primarily for more energy for the day tomorrow. I felt sorta sleepy all of today. I was yawning quite a lot. Only 2 days with no exercise and if I did exercise tomorrow it would be 5 days, you know what? This is insanity!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mother fucking insanity!!!!! It's a never ending cycle! I was doing so well. Warren knew what he was doing sending me, or asking me to go inpatient to Laurelwood. Why would they want to keep us sick? This I simply can't comprehend. I plan on becoming a nurse practitioner to help others, regardless of their back rounds, or who they are. I was doing extremely well the last time in Laurelwood for my ED. Going inpatient fucked everything up. And he knew it would. http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/133738.html public

http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/133537.html Tue, 04 Dec 2007 19:12:53 GMT http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/133537.html No doubt I' be on 4 south today. It aways happens. God do I feel incredibly proud of myself for doing what I'm currently doing regarding the absence of exercise and the update of the meal plan. It's definitely necessary for proper health. I just wasn't getting it!!! You know what? The more and more they push, I more I will push myself. So it's actually an incredible help!! I'm achieving recovery. So continue making me feel like shit, cause it's actually having the complete opposite effect and building my confidence. So thanx:) Odd, however thanx!! Guess I'm just used to being picked on. However now I'm older and have had enough. I'm ready to move on rise above. Cause I'm fucking worth it. http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/133537.html public

http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/133262.html Tue, 04 Dec 2007 07:18:24 GMT http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/133262.html Fuck yeah to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so god damn proud of myself!!!!! I ate what my body said it needed and I feel fucking fantastic!!!! HA HA HA HA!!!! It's amazing, I will never understand an evil individuals way of reasoning. However at this point I could care less! Cause I ate what I needed to! I'm to damn skinny right now! My boobs, or should I say what there is left of a boob, is almost funny. I miss looking female and actually having curves. I'm almost boy shaped at this point, and to me this is completely unattractive! My hips have disappeared, which is not cool. I actually don't look any different besides the fact 10-12 lbs is off of my body. I actually would like to gain 2-3 lbs. Or stay where I am. I actually don't really care as long as I'm comfortable in my body. This is the most important. Knowing I consumed 2155 calories is also a relief. Nothing disgustingly extreme. However to exercise at the intensity I do daily while consuming 1400-1500 calories is along the lines of anorexia. I'm completely depriving my body of the proper nutrients it requires. It's like my body is in such a deficit from all the crap I do to it, that when I eat like this, it's impossible to put weight on. So now up to 2370 calories. However completely alright with this. My body needs these calories. I'm super muscular, which requires more fuel. I'll never forget Dr.Warren's comment at Laurelwood, " are you upset you're gaining weight?" Me responding, "I'm gaining weight?" "Oh thats your disorder talking Sarah". Ohhhhhh Dr.Warren, silly little man. You know what bitches? I'm lovin me, of course I'm not perfect. No bitch is for Christs sake. But I'm not all that bad. God does it feel spectacular to be full and feel alright with my body!!!!! If I could bottle this feeling up I would! I really do miss my boobs. For a while I'll be doing yoga daily for my exercise. Following the meal plan 100%, adding foods I want, this will help immensely I believe. My first week will be all yoga. this will help my body quite a lot. There's a large amount I'm incapable of not controlling. This I'm very much aware of. Many times I, well no, that part must stay inside until the day it happens for others to find out. Until then, this will have to do. Some things must remain kept inside. It's jsut safe that way. http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/133262.html public

http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/132945.html Mon, 03 Dec 2007 03:09:36 GMT http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/132945.html Let me tell you one thing asshole, you will never get what you believe. You know what? Fuck this. I'm actually beginning to like myself and I believed this impossible. I honestly can't understand any of this. However I'm satisfied with the unexplainable feeling of confidence. All I know is I just need to continue moving forward and working to achieve what I want. I want to b e left the fuck alone!!!! What the hell is going on and why?????? I don't get it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's so mother fucking frustrating I could fucking, well it's just insanely frustrating!!!!!! I want to be left the fuck alone!!!! Blahhhhhhh, I need a boyfriend or something. I need someone my age to talk with. It felt so good to see everyone today. I'm just sick of well, from now on I'm gonna be the real me. I've just had it with the crap at work, I don't want to deal with it anymore. I wanna say fuck people, just not the good ones. Which is like 5% of the population it seems like. However there's good and bad to everyone. http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/132945.html determined public

http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/132659.html Sat, 01 Dec 2007 23:35:19 GMT http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/132659.html Holy shit do I ever feel like crap! Depressed, extremely tired, terrified to eat which at this point is frustrating me more then anything. I'm upset, confused, and I really am sick and tired of not knowing what to do with these emotions!!! I'm hungry however terrified to eat anything. I just feel like shit. I'm sick of being treated like a piece of shit! I really don't want to go anywhere right now. I only need a few items at Marc's. However I despise laziness! I may feel like shit but I must pull myself out of this and get something done. I swear, I seriously feel like like punching someone in the face really really really REALLY hard. Good damn it I wish I wasn't so damn tired! My own fault though. Feed your body properly dumb ass! 833 calories so far today. I don't want to exceed 1245. The reason for this number? I honestly have no idea. All I know is, fuck it. Fuck this ED shit, I'm getting over this regardless of anything!!!!! http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/132659.html annoyed public

http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/132594.html Sat, 01 Dec 2007 17:23:37 GMT http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/132594.html La la la, holy mother fucker am I ever relieved to have the weekend off!!!!!!!!!! It may only be a measly 2 days, however these 2 days are greatly required! I honestly don't want to go to the Christmas thing tomorrow but I did tell mom I would go. I wish I had to work. My day off and I'm required to attend an event I'd rather not. I love my family, I just would rather do what I choose to do on the few days I have off. Damn am I sleepy! Although this should be expected with 2 days of heavy restriction including vigorous cardio and weight training. Woke up eating the remaining of the cottage cheese. which would have equaled 2 protein. I did however go to bed CRAVING protein. My dumb ass fault for choosing cheery tomatoes with fat free dressing. Well my body got what it required. Even if it needed to wake me in the middle of the night. Stupid bitch!!!! I FUCKING HATE EATING DISORDERS!!!!!!!!! I'm completely uncomfortable when my body reaches a specific weight. I MUST maintain a certain shape/size in order to feel comfortable with myself. If I reach a weight I feel is to high, my entire life is effected. However living this way 24/7 is exhausting and insanely depressing! I must get out of here. There are people enjoying my pain and discomfort, which I've learned at this point to just ignore. However I will always be conscious of it. There are many areas I choose not to write about which I feel strongly about. Life/people at this point in my life amaze and disgust me. I've said it many times though. I no there are other good people out there cause I'm one of them. There for others are out there. It's just rare to come across one I suppose. I'm sick of the dishonesty. I simply can't understand it. Damn am I fucking tired! I can now roll my eyes and giggle at Dr. Warren with my last stay at Laurelwood for the eating disorder. The woman "Megan", I'm assuming his girlfriend, playing all those silly little mind games. Diane I believe her name was. Why the fuck do you go into psychology to fuck with people? I can't and will never be capable of understanding it. Fucking try and kill someone with a car, then continue to fuck with their head??????!!!!! Why? And what the fuck??!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm truly trying not to give a shit. It's just really not that easy though. http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/132594.html drained public

http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/132342.html Fri, 30 Nov 2007 14:31:44 GMT http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/132342.html So, because of last night of course my mood will be all over the place today. This I must be prepared for today. Feeling quite well regarding the body image. Looking in the mirror now, due to the fluid retention I'm actually more satisfied now then I was yesterday and all of last week. I'm not as bony and my boobs are fuller. Which is always a bonus. So can't complain there. Writing more then anything helps. The mind games already are getting old. Move on to the next borderline old men. I am who I am, I will always struggle with my issues, however I'm learning. And if others feel the need to gain pleasure from these mistakes, then I suppose that's their business. I have enough going on in my life which I need to focus and work on. http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/132342.html public

http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/132046.html Thu, 29 Nov 2007 14:59:29 GMT http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/132046.html So, I ate a shit ton last night! Guilty? Well of course. However at this point in time absolutely nothing I'm able of doing to reverse the effects. So pointless in wasting energy obsessing over what occurred. All I'm capable of doing in situations such as these is learning from them. And what I learned is, "Sarah, no more going out after work for drinks/food". And it's as simple as that. If I do, no ordering food I'm extremely uncomfortable with. For now anyways. Woke up this morning feeling alright. I totally set myself up for these binges with the way I go about eating on a regular basis. I MUST ADD VARIETY!!! Again, otherwise nights like this will continue and the cycle will never cease. The old Sarah would get on the elliptical for 80-120 minutes following a night such as this. However today I will allow only 45 minutes. Also following the meal plan 100% from now on. Even my day off of exercise. Today, no calorie counting!!! Holy shit will this be ridiculously difficult!!! However extremely manageable. I can do it. This I'm absolutely certain of. Throw whatever mind games u want, I can handle it all! Mother fuckers. http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/132046.html shocked public

http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/131762.html Thu, 29 Nov 2007 08:58:44 GMT http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/131762.html Ohhh what a night for me!!! A wonderful example of a borderline. I swear, I amaze myself at times. I know were my faults are, however at times, I simply just allow myself to slide knowing or believing I will be able to "make-up" for my mistakes. However when you think about the "binge" tonight, I must remind myself I'm still living in eating disordered thinking. I allow myself to consume very few foods which I feel comfortable with, which as we all know will never last more then a couple of months. I calculated everything up and I'm actually not having an anxiety attack over the fact that my days worth of calories totaled 3155. And this is without working out. My body actually needed what I ate tonight. One can't live on cereal, milk, sandwiches, carrots, broccoli, banana's, and yogurt forever. Am I full? Fuck yeah I am!!! However currently reviewing everything over the past couple of years. Tomorrow is a gym day, and thank god for that. What I plan on concentrating on now is getting rid of this ED!!! Maintaining a specific body type will always be an issue I work on. I need to work on riding myself of this eating disorder. I would LOVE to not feel the need to count calories everyday!! I was so hungry all of today and I just continued to feed myself coffee. Coffee isn't a nutritious food dumb ass!! Eat something if you're hungry. Otherwise look what happens! You end up consuming 1-2 days worth of calories. Which is just as bad as denying yourself nutrients when it's crying out "FEED ME". So stop doing this!!!!! It's going to continue being a vicious cycle until something different happens. You will continue to gain and loose these 10-15 pounds until you break this fucking cycle!!! It's amazing how much muscle weighs. Getting on the scale today, I found out I'm 126 lbs. I feel 124-129 lbs is a good weight range for me. If I'm now 126 lbs. I actually don't want to get any thinner. I don't want A cup tits for Christs sake. My boobs are small enough. Tomorrow I wont have any hunger. Julie always said eat when hungry. Well tomorrow I wont be hungry until I'm done with work. You know what, if 124-129 lbs isn't the proper weight range for me, then who the fuck cares? I hit 133 and I have C cup tits, so really can't complain there. Holding a boob now, it feels fuller. However this is fluid retention. FUCK ME WANTING TO "CONFORM" TO WHAT SOCIETY SAYS IS IDEAL!!!! I will continue following the meal plan however no more counting calories!!! And I must begin adding a variety of foods in my diet. Otherwise this will continue to happen every so often! This god damn cycle must cease for Christs sake!!! I'm getting to old for this shit!!!! More then anything, I'm fucking fed up with it! Back and forth and back and forth. I need fucking stability god damn it! Jesus Christ, I crave it!!!! No more!! I'm getting rid of this, and accepting the body I'm meant to have! It will be an extremely fit one, this I will be certain of. As I sit here eating my cottage cheese, I realize this shit will never end if I don't begin something new. So the bitches can continue on with their little whatevers. I'm just fucking fed up! I honestly don't no where to turn or what to do. So I must come up with something myself since nothing has actually worked. I swear, the amount of rage built up inside of me is enormous. Tomorrow will be nothing insane on the elliptical, and a meal plan, crap, I really need to get my ass to bed! http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/131762.html disappointed public

http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/131349.html Wed, 28 Nov 2007 15:43:39 GMT http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/131349.html Everyday I'm learning more about myself regarding my ED. Today I'm really gonna try to, well, I actually am sore from yesterday's yoga. Which is a good thing. I definitely needed to change my workout up a bit. We need variety in our workouts. I just haven't been feeling anything once done with working out at the gym. And you know what? The more I write this way the more it begins to stick with me through out the day. It's never a terrible thing if I gain weight. I get bigger boobs and more curves. A size 4/6 definitely is far from fat and even chubby. School will be starting which means I wont be able to exercise daily. And I must prepare myself for this change. So today, no exercise. It's necessary for the body to take a day off at least one day a week anyways. I'm really proud of myself for following my meal 100%, well excluding the one missed grain, yesterday. It was difficult knowing It wasn't a gym day. It will be 100 times worse today. However I know I can do this!! Today is really going to be difficult! However I know it's extremely possible. If the bitches wanna play games and try to make me feel bad about the way I'm going about my treatment, then bring it. I deserve proper care and health. When I think about it, it just isn't possible to gain weight on a 1600-1750 calorie diet exercising 6 days a week. Hell even 5-6 days a week. I know me though, and taking 2 days a week off now just isn't possible. One day is hard enough. It's just fun playing. No one knows really when the manipulation is occurring. It's like, hehehe. I just understand shitty people. I'm so used to defending myself in situations I've learned for now to just say, fuck everyone!! And why? Simply cause this is just the only route to go. It's like thinking about it, even when I was smoking weed and I though I was fat, I was only a size 6/8. My boobs were fucking huge and actually my shape wasn't bad at all. It's like why the hell did I hate myself so badly? Dressed up I actually looked really hot. I remember working at American Eagle dressed in their clothes not hating myself so badly. http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/131349.html annoyed public

http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/131217.html Tue, 27 Nov 2007 16:51:26 GMT http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/131217.html It's simply amusing/amazing how others believe they know, or think they know, you know what? All I know is there are others out there who are terrible people. Hiring others to do their "dirty" work and laughing the entire time as it occurs. "Run a 21 year old girl over with a car, thats just fucking hilarious". All I know is I will get what I want and deserve. You DO NOT do this to another human being!! I will never trust anyone, will focus on only improving myself, and actually from now on will only worry about me. Fuck everyone else in this messed up world. I'm fabulous at acting. I always have been. And I'm so damn manipulative it's wonderful. Why should I care about anyone? Others only hurt. I don't need medication cause my bitch ass definitely isn't bipolar. Fuck everyone in this world!! I need to work on my education which will enable me to get the revenge I deserve. I love me, I'm a good person and will always be a good person. So for now until I'm done with school, it's gonna suck! But once I'm done I'll be capable of enjoying all that I've accomplished. And I really need to remind myself that I'm still quite young. 24 isn't old, even though I feel I should be done with school I must remind myself that I've just had some difficulties which I have learned from. Damn it!! I want to keep writing, but time to get ready. Oh well, that's just how it is. http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/131217.html annoyed public

http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/130965.html Mon, 26 Nov 2007 15:13:03 GMT http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/130965.html Fuck all these mother fuckers!! Bipolar? I don't think so bitches!! This is just ridiculous!! I'm sick of, well, I'm currently incapable of trusting anyone. Fuck taking medication. I don't require anything. I'm fed up with people treating me like a piece of shit. I truly am a good person. I'm aware of the situations occurring around me and I understand I must hold it together. This however is an incredibly difficult task. I am capable of accomplishing it though. http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/130965.html sleepy public

http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/130730.html Mon, 26 Nov 2007 06:24:23 GMT http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/130730.html Blahhhhhhh, that cereal and cottage cheese filled me up big time!!!! God, Every time I get home from work I'm starving. Cereal always does the trick. Extremely proud of myself today!!! I followed my meal plan 100%! Fuck yeah Sarah! You go bitch!! I restricted all of last week. Not terribly low, however I wasn't fueling my body properly. I'm still probably deficient but I'm doing better. These bitches piss me off. Their prime goal being to keep me ill. Of course for them to make money off of me. Well sorry mother fuckers, I intend on recovering and living a wonderful life. As far away from here as I can get for sure!!!!!! It simply amazes me, the power money will grant those who posses it. Larry was annoying as usual at the gym today. It's like yup old man, 30 minutes. And thats all!!! I'll tell him 15 next time. God, mommy is so right. Men in those places are such a joke. I swear, it's just funny now going to that place. I'm so proud of myself for following the meal plan 100%. I of course had to calculate the calories. The end result was only 1720. Which is exactly where I knew it would be. I'm just satisfied my body is being fueled more efficiently. I'm so relieved tomorrow I'm off work. God, I really need to get my hair trimmed, I just don't want to pay for it. I mean, it doesn't look bad or anything. I hope it doesn't anyways. If it did I wouldn't mind paying. God, I never used to be this fucking cheap. I just hate spending my money on anything. It's fucking pathetic. Ohh well, I could have worse problems. At least I'm not the opposite and buying everything. I would rather be cheap then constantly purchasing shit I don't need. Damn am I bored. So what else is new? A typical late night for Sarah Lynn Clark. http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/130730.html bored public

http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/130519.html Sun, 25 Nov 2007 06:29:44 GMT http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/130519.html Well, god, I really don't know what to say regarding this situation anymore. Sometimes I feel I have it all figured out, then something comes up and I feel completely confused. All I know is I feel exhausted and drained emotionally. I want it all to stop. I've learned quite a lot this past year I must admit. My god are human beings terribly disgusting creatures!!! I've come to the conclusion that I will never have a child. Why would I bring another human being to this repulsive planet? It seems selfish to have children actually. This world is so fucked up, I could never do it. It just seems cruel. I question Louise. Her lack of intelligence is overly done almost. It seems impossible for an individual to be this stupid. All I know is, I'm taking care of myself the way I should and need to be!!! Fuck me wanting to be a size 2, or whatever. If I'm meant to be a size 6, then so be it. I'm going to begin working out the way I want to. Which means more yoga. Well 2-3 times a week lets say. And I MUST take a day off during the week of exercise. No more killing myself to try and fit society's mold of whats supposedly beautiful. Fuck that!!!! I am who I am god damn it!!! And if you don't like me, well tough shit! Not my problem. I admit, TOTALLY difficult eating today!!!!!! Hardly hungry actually, and wanted to exercise longer then I did. Overall I feel quite crappy currently. Knowing I ate around 1150-1200 calories today is killing me. It's like I can write all that however I still feel, well, I'm really trying to feel differently. However It's EXTREMELY difficult to change the way you feel. I just feel guilty for eating yesterday and not exercising more then an hour on the elliptical. I would have felt much better if I didn't eat today. MUCH MUCH better. But I'll be okay. It's impossible for me to gain any weight. Even a pound. http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/130519.html guilty public

http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/130079.html Sat, 24 Nov 2007 03:21:11 GMT http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/130079.html Thank god I have the gym!!!!! I am totally eating for well, I'm not even fucking hungry. This is just plain disgusting when you think about it. But hey, it's comforting. That's why everyone is around here is a fucking cow. 5,000 calories? No way! I would estimate 3300-4000, and thats including the 835 calories from lunch and breakfast. NO MORE SARAH!!!! I don't think my stomach is capable of bearing anymore. Tomorrow I begin back with the meal plan. And I mean it. No more calorie counting!!! I exercise enough to sustain a 1500-1700 calorie diet. My weight will stay, actually I'll continue loosing following this meal plan. I'm loosing 1-2, more like 2 pounds a week following Julie's advice. It's like thanks, assholes. Jerry was a joke today. I simply, well no, I definitely take that back. I mean, god damn it!!! What the fuck!!!!!!!? I don't care I don't care, I don't mother fucking care!!!! Try and make me look insane, well dumb ass bitches, I'm not!! I seriously don't give a shit! I want a fucking semi"normal" life. And I fucking want friends!!! I'm just so sick of this shit!!! I seriously must be that fucking wonderful, that or I'm simply an easy target. Which is exactly it. Fuck with the bitches head, and lets see how much fun we can have. Of course she's borderline, however we'll label her bipolar to save our own asses and have a shit load of fun doing so. "She knows we had her run over, so she's definitely sticking with the bipolar diagnosis". Fucking amazing!!! With a psychotic diagnosis, they can get away with anything. I know I'm unattractive assholes!! Why else would I turn to an eating disorder? Do I look like a pig? No. But my nose is terribly unattractive. http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/130079.html public

http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/129969.html Sat, 24 Nov 2007 01:52:38 GMT http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/129969.html Holy mother fucker am I fullllll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good grief did I ever eat a shit ton!!!! I'm actually extremely proud of myself though. A couple of months ago I would have freaked and either purged and or binged and then purged. I simply ate a "normalized" Thanksgiving day meal. And I actually am quite proud of myself. I'm also kinda coming to the point where I'm loosing a bit too much weight. I'm just getting a bit on the bony side. And I definitely don't want that. I want to be able to sit down without my tail bone digging in the chair. I'm actually extremely comfortable with where I'm at now. I just don't want to loose well no more then 2-4 lbs. Okay, totally writing now to avoid the guilt from eating. However it's not that bad. Letting myself know tomorrow is a gym day and I'll be on the elliptical for 60 minutes. Nothing terribly extreme. And straight back to the meal plan. No more calorie counting!!! From now on, I follow exactly what Julie last recommended. Which ends up totaling from 1600-1700 calories anyways. Which is what is required to maintain 115 lbs. for my height. I honestly could care less. 125 or 120, who the fuck cares? As long as I'm satisfied and content with myself I really don't give a shit. Well I'm trying to feel this way anyways. My weight will always rule how I live and feel about myself. I would do anything for this to change. ANYTHING!!!!!!! Overall I'm feeling quite positive though. I seriously wish I didn't have to work tomorrow. Oh well, thats life. At least I'm off school for now. Okay, so maybe I'll, god damn it!!!! Thanksgiving and eating disorders just don't mix! Actually looking at my hair got me to go eat. I've been restricting to 1300-1600 calories a day. And Julie said that was alright. I'm just sick and tired of, fuck it. http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/129969.html frustrated public

http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/129750.html Fri, 23 Nov 2007 12:10:31 GMT http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/129750.html Holy shit!!! It's like, damn, I honestly don't even know what to say anymore. All I know is I not capable of trusting anyone or allowing anyone emotionally close to me. If anything, this whole experience has created, well no, I can't quite say that now. I'm unclear of whats occurring, all I know is what I want for my future. And this is all thats important to me now. I simply don't give a fuck about anyone else really. And for the time being, I'm completely content with this. All that matters now is what I want. And what I want I will have to work for in order to accomplish. Other human beings have recently been doing nothing but causing pain and frustration. So if I must be alone for the next couple years, then so be it. It will all be worth it in the end. There simply are some issues I will never be capable of tolerating, EVER!!! Staying alone is actually the easy way to go. No one else's problems to put up with. I have enough of my own anyways. http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/129750.html sleepy public

http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/129418.html Thu, 22 Nov 2007 06:44:02 GMT http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/129418.html Ohhhh these mind playing bitches!! Holy shit, I mean will it ever cease for cryin out loud? Louise I've been recently wondering about. I simply can not understand this way of behaving. To gain pleasure through others being caused pain, to me is nothing but disgusting. I'm am so used to being hurt that I'm capable of picking up on it more so then a "normal" individual, or someone who wasn't picked on as much as I was in school. I'm highly sensitive. More so then anyone I've ever known. This is a trait I was born with and have always had. I have a love/hate relationship with this trait. I'm in a talkative mood, therefor I'm left to write. I'm beginning to enjoy myself more so now that my ability to trust anyone has pretty much been destroyed. I've always enjoyed people, however I'm not so sure where I am now regarding this subject. I have no problem being a bitch. If someone pisses me off, I need to watch what I say. Cause I really do have an immense amount of rage built up inside of me. However I'm extremely capable of controlling myself. I always tell tell myself, If I was able to live through 2 years of sexual abuse, plus all the teasing at school, I can get through anything. http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/129418.html tired public

http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/129211.html Mon, 19 Nov 2007 03:16:27 GMT http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/129211.html I'm sick of the shit!!!!!! I want the fuck out of here!!!!!!!!! I'm unsure of whats occurring however I have many idea's running through my mind. All I know is you just don't fucking run a bitch over with a car for Christ's sake!!! Well Megan's off tomorrow. Would have been a more enjoyable visit if I wasn't so damn fucked up. God, I'm bored as fuck!!!! To late to go to mom's though. I'm not in the mood to talk with anyone here. I need to, god damn it!!!!! I need to get the fuck out of here!!! http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/129211.html bored public

http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/128941.html Sun, 18 Nov 2007 06:40:50 GMT http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/128941.html So I'm a joke/ play toy/ object to study/laugh at/ however not push to far over the edge, for if I kill myself there will be no more Sarah to play/laugh at. If I did kill myself I would ruin everything. Well not exactly. For there are plenty of borderlines out there to toy with. I have my method and it wont let me down. I just want to feel loved, and truthfully I don't. I feel manipulated and laughed at. I feel my family is even in on it. I honestly am holding on tightly to my eating disorder, which has always brought me comfort. I'm not doing alright. I'm not scared when I think of death, I'm scared when I think of living a life of more days such as how they have been the past couple weeks. I'm not capable of managing much longer. I don't think anyone would be. All I need to do is find out how to get to my set location. It's been years since I've been down there. So this was their goal. Simply disgusting/astounding. More then anything repulsive and terribly sad. I will never be capable of understanding it. And it saddens me knowing a group of individuals out there have the intent of causing a young woman to commit suicide. However they've succeeded. Cause this emotional mess simply isn't capable of handling anymore of their bullshit. It feels WONDERFUL knowing I wont have to put up with anymore of this shit!!!!!! It's all going to END!!! FOREVER!!!!!!!!!! THATS ALL I WANT AND NEED!!!!!!!!!!! God, knowing this will all end is sooooooo mother fucking relieving I can't even explain it!! It will never end Sarah! Therefor you MUST and you HAVE to do this!!!!!!!!! I'm not even being selfish, I know my "family" has something to do with whatever is going on. This is just hurting and confusing the fuck out of me. I can't and will no longer take it. And of course this is something I'm incapable of talking with about to anyone. I just don't want to think about feeling these feelings, or thinking these thoughts, or hurting so god damn badly. It's a constant pain I'm incapable of handling any longer. I hurt so badly all I want to do is cause someone else pain. suicide is a wonderful way to cause pain. And emotional is the best way to go!! Sucks I wont be here to witness the suffering. God does that part really suck. Thinking about it sure is enjoyable. http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/128941.html accomplished public

http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/128602.html Sun, 18 Nov 2007 05:35:43 GMT http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/128602.html Holy shit!!! I've been one HUGE emotional mess the past couple days!! The fact that I'm on my period may have some effect over my mental state, however I just feel like an emotional wreck! I'm an individual who does not do well alone. However I've actually become quite custumed to doing everything by myself. I'm used to not having friends to talk with or go places with. This is quite pathetic for a 24 year old female. I'm constantly fighting feelings of depression. Recently it's really been difficult. The suicidal thoughts have been coming and going, as usual. This of course never ceases. I currently HATE my life!!!!!!!!!! I'm ridiculously suicidal every mother fucking day, and I really can't take it anymore! However no one is capable of changing this but me. I MUST stop turning to suicide as the answer to my problems. Jesus Christ, I mean come on Sarah, It's such a weak way out of a problem. I'm exceedingly dissatisfied with my job. However most people are I guess. The only job I enjoyed was LoneStar. And the reason for that was Tom. That and I had a fantastic social life. I was extremely happy during that time of my life. I may have been a huge pot head/ occasional coke head, but I woke up everyday an extremely happy person. God does that ever sound terrible reading that sentence over again. Blahhhhh, no longer in the mood to write. http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/128602.html confused public

http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/128449.html Fri, 16 Nov 2007 04:42:47 GMT http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/128449.html It's completely obvious my entire family is one huge joke to these people. To them we are objects to play with and be entertained with. I admit, knowing this information saddens however at the same time fascinates me. Human beings can be so insanely cruel and selfish. It's actually quite disgusting when you think about it. I'm aware my every move is being monitored. I realize there is no use in me showing any sign of anger of frustration. Why? Cause the reality is there really isn't anything I'm capable of changing. So until I'm able to get out of here, I'll just have to put up with this ridiculous nonsense. I truly do not understand any of it. All I know is people sure are fucking strange creatures. "Keep Sarah alive", "don't let her kill herself", "cause we need the bitch to torment emotionally". Thats the purpose I serve to them. I'm their source of entertainment. They would move to the next borderline if I actually killed myself. Are all doctors this terrible? The brain must be fucked up from being so intelligent. Sure it's a bonus being above average intelligent, however when when you're mentally screwed up, well, god I don't even know what to say. All I know is I need to protect myself. And just realize I'm the only person I really have. So I must begin building up my self esteem. Jesus christ, she's so fucking dumb I some times think it's an act. I'm young still, thank god!!!! I'm only 24. I'm actually grateful for Dr Brauer's ridiculous behavior. It was just strange. I've never had a psychiatrist act in such an awkward manner. It was obvious something was up. He's young, he'll learn not to act that way the next time. "I'm human, I do have faults". Ummmmm no my dear, you're a doctor in a mental institution. You are not able to let your anger show such as you did. I'm not giving up on people though. I know I'm a good person. There for there must be more out there. Probably just difficult to find. Honestly, I'm fed up with all of this shit!!! It's like aren't you bored with me already? Running out of crap to write about. My god do I hope work is slow tomorrow. Hoping I'm on 5 however who knows. I'm glad mom's gonna be there tomorrow. And sooooooooooo excited Megan's coming in!!! http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/128449.html lonely public

http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/128162.html Mon, 29 Oct 2007 05:45:14 GMT http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/128162.html So, haven't written in here for quite some time. God lord am I ever full!! Stupid meal plan. However extremely proud of myself for sticking with and following Julie's advice. Of course I have my days when a couple exchanges are not met, however I would say 90% of the time I'm following the meal plan 100%. And for that I am insanely proud of myself. Alright, I must get this shit out. So getting vitals on this younger dude today, ohhhhhhhh my fucking god!!! I was like about to fucking jump on top of him and have my way. He had to have been in his thirty's. He was a good looking guy, how terrible of me is it that I was glad he was a Q4? Pretty fucking bad. Just gave me another moment to have a couple more fantasies. Which are ALWAYS pleasant when you're working in that place. God, I get so god damn perverted!! My brain instantly turns situations sexual. He asked if he could go shower, and I'm thinking, only if my bitch ass can tag along. He just looked so fuckable lying there in the bed. Mother fucker I need someone I can fuck!!!!!!!! It's like I want an actual boyfriend. One which you're able to have fun with do shit with, go places, and of course fuck whenever. I mean I'm only 24. I'm gonna start back with school in a couple of months, so I'll be ridiculously busy. I just want someone I can have fun with. The question is, how the hell and where do I meet a guy? I mean having friends would make this who scenario much easier. Good grief am I ever satisfied with having tomorrow off. I would do anything to have plans for Halloween. I've never done anything fun regarding Halloween parties. Ever!!! I mean excluding when I was a little girl, going trick-or-treating. I've never dressed up as an adult to go to a Halloween party. I've always wanted to!!! It seems like a lot of fun. Shit, I need to change the subject cause this is beginning to depress me. I don't want to go to bed. This is my night I have not needing to wake up and go to work. I don't want to waste it. http://sarahclownfish.livejournal.com/128162.html public