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sarahclownfish's Journal  I love my father however if he wants to let other's manipulate him then that's his own problem. Because of his lack of intelligence I am suffering. And this just pisses me off leaving no sympathy for me to give him. I've just about had it! I despise my life! I wake every day knowing what to expect knowing quite well I am incapable of changing a god damn thing. I've taken my medication however I have days it causes me to sleep and days it does not. I'm sick of being a play object for others to sit and laugh at. Tonight a decision will and must be made. If so, Leighsa will be called early tomorrow and I will quite my job which will set this decision in for good. And I'm making myself a bad ass meal tonight if I decide what I feel I will decide on. They've won I guess if I do. They'll get their therapy patients and shit, I honestly will never be capable of understanding it. All I know is it will continue and I will continue to be alone and laughed at. All I want is acceptance and happiness. I will never attain this here. I'm a joke here. A joke trying to fight this eating disorder as others try to keep me sick. I don't understand. I just want someone to talk to. I really cant live in pain anymore. Everyday hurts. I really just want to be comforted and to feel some sort of peace. So, tomorrow I, god, here comes the seroquel thank god. Shit, I also must take into account that my period is within a week, and I'm always a fucked up mess around this time. Still, I must make a fucking decision. God damn it why did I take this medication so early? I'm so god damn hungry!!! I feel like I smoked 20 joints or something. I had 2025 calories today. The past week must have averaged out to like 1900-2100 cals per day and I'm fucking still losing weight!!! Jesus fucking christ, I can't believe how much I have to eat to sustain this weight. I'm only on the elliptical for like 40 minutes, but I am muscular as fuck. And muscle requires a shit ton of energy. Shit, bed time for my bitch ass. God, I needed that calorie talk to get the suicide shit off the mind. Jesus christ I'm a fucking freak who is in need of serious help! God, I'm, I really truly honestly don't know anymore!!!!! Confused doesn't even begin to describe what I'm feeling! I'm sleepy right now. However I've been sitting in front of the computer quite sedentary so that explains the sleepiness. I'm more then anything, damn, I wish I could control what was going on around me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel, I don't know anymore. All I know is I'm not capable of dealing with any of this for much longer. No human being is capable of dealing with torment such as this! Mental cruelty is the best way to drive a borderline to suicide. Fuck, it's the best way to drive any "normal" individual to suicide. I was so close today. Each day becomes easier and easier. The thought actually brings peace and safety. I have no feel regarding the act what so ever at this point in my life. I'm actually more numb to the the thought of it. Relief I suppose you could associate with it. I would be free of everything here. No more pain. Which is all I'm asking for. The sad factor is I have absolutely zero control over it. Which fucks me up even more. The loneliness at this point I'm capable of handling. Well, maybe. I hate how terrible I'm feeling constantly!!! I currently want to binge/purge, well rethinking it and not so much! You know what? Why the fuck do such a terrible thing to my body? I wanna either do yoga or my abs DVD later though. That 20 minute abs is an awesome tape. I need to get my grocery shopping done too. Get that shit out of the way. Current mood:  cold.
Holy MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!! Uhhhhh yeah, take my exercise/"drug" away from me and I'm not a happy camper!!! Holy shit is this god damn difficult!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No doubt I' be on 4 south today. It aways happens. God do I feel incredibly proud of myself for doing what I'm currently doing regarding the absence of exercise and the update of the meal plan. It's definitely necessary for proper health. I just wasn't getting it!!! You know what? The more and more they push, I more I will push myself. So it's actually an incredible help!! I'm achieving recovery. So continue making me feel like shit, cause it's actually having the complete opposite effect and building my confidence. So thanx:) Odd, however thanx!! Guess I'm just used to being picked on. However now I'm older and have had enough. I'm ready to move on rise above. Cause I'm fucking worth it. Fuck yeah to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so god damn proud of myself!!!!! I ate what my body said it needed and I feel fucking fantastic!!!! HA HA HA HA!!!! It's amazing, I will never understand an evil individuals way of reasoning. However at this point I could care less! Cause I ate what I needed to! I'm to damn skinny right now! My boobs, or should I say what there is left of a boob, is almost funny. I miss looking female and actually having curves. I'm almost boy shaped at this point, and to me this is completely unattractive! My hips have disappeared, which is not cool. I actually don't look any different besides the fact 10-12 lbs is off of my body. I actually would like to gain 2-3 lbs. Or stay where I am. I actually don't really care as long as I'm comfortable in my body. This is the most important. Knowing I consumed 2155 calories is also a relief. Nothing disgustingly extreme. However to exercise at the intensity I do daily while consuming 1400-1500 calories is along the lines of anorexia. I'm completely depriving my body of the proper nutrients it requires. It's like my body is in such a deficit from all the crap I do to it, that when I eat like this, it's impossible to put weight on. So now up to 2370 calories. However completely alright with this. My body needs these calories. I'm super muscular, which requires more fuel. I'll never forget Dr.Warren's comment at Laurelwood, " are you upset you're gaining weight?" Me responding, "I'm gaining weight?" "Oh thats your disorder talking Sarah". Ohhhhhh Dr.Warren, silly little man. You know what bitches? I'm lovin me, of course I'm not perfect. No bitch is for Christs sake. But I'm not all that bad. God does it feel spectacular to be full and feel alright with my body!!!!! If I could bottle this feeling up I would! I really do miss my boobs. For a while I'll be doing yoga daily for my exercise. Following the meal plan 100%, adding foods I want, this will help immensely I believe. My first week will be all yoga. this will help my body quite a lot. There's a large amount I'm incapable of not controlling. This I'm very much aware of. Many times I, well no, that part must stay inside until the day it happens for others to find out. Until then, this will have to do. Some things must remain kept inside. It's jsut safe that way. Let me tell you one thing asshole, you will never get what you believe. You know what? Fuck this. I'm actually beginning to like myself and I believed this impossible. I honestly can't understand any of this. However I'm satisfied with the unexplainable feeling of confidence. All I know is I just need to continue moving forward and working to achieve what I want. I want to b e left the fuck alone!!!! What the hell is going on and why?????? I don't get it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's so mother fucking frustrating I could fucking, well it's just insanely frustrating!!!!!! I want to be left the fuck alone!!!! Blahhhhhhh, I need a boyfriend or something. I need someone my age to talk with. It felt so good to see everyone today. I'm just sick of well, from now on I'm gonna be the real me. I've just had it with the crap at work, I don't want to deal with it anymore. I wanna say fuck people, just not the good ones. Which is like 5% of the population it seems like. However there's good and bad to everyone. Current mood: determined. Holy shit do I ever feel like crap! Depressed, extremely tired, terrified to eat which at this point is frustrating me more then anything. I'm upset, confused, and I really am sick and tired of not knowing what to do with these emotions!!! I'm hungry however terrified to eat anything. I just feel like shit. I'm sick of being treated like a piece of shit! I really don't want to go anywhere right now. I only need a few items at Marc's. However I despise laziness! I may feel like shit but I must pull myself out of this and get something done. I swear, I seriously feel like like punching someone in the face really really really REALLY hard. Good damn it I wish I wasn't so damn tired! My own fault though. Feed your body properly dumb ass! 833 calories so far today. I don't want to exceed 1245. The reason for this number? I honestly have no idea. All I know is, fuck it. Fuck this ED shit, I'm getting over this regardless of anything!!!!! Current mood:  annoyed.
La la la, holy mother fucker am I ever relieved to have the weekend off!!!!!!!!!! It may only be a measly 2 days, however these 2 days are greatly required! I honestly don't want to go to the Christmas thing tomorrow but I did tell mom I would go. I wish I had to work. My day off and I'm required to attend an event I'd rather not. I love my family, I just would rather do what I choose to do on the few days I have off. Damn am I sleepy! Although this should be expected with 2 days of heavy restriction including vigorous cardio and weight training. Woke up eating the remaining of the cottage cheese. which would have equaled 2 protein. I did however go to bed CRAVING protein. My dumb ass fault for choosing cheery tomatoes with fat free dressing. Well my body got what it required. Even if it needed to wake me in the middle of the night. Stupid bitch!!!! I FUCKING HATE EATING DISORDERS!!!!!!!!! I'm completely uncomfortable when my body reaches a specific weight. I MUST maintain a certain shape/size in order to feel comfortable with myself. If I reach a weight I feel is to high, my entire life is effected. However living this way 24/7 is exhausting and insanely depressing! I must get out of here. There are people enjoying my pain and discomfort, which I've learned at this point to just ignore. However I will always be conscious of it. There are many areas I choose not to write about which I feel strongly about. Life/people at this point in my life amaze and disgust me. I've said it many times though. I no there are other good people out there cause I'm one of them. There for others are out there. It's just rare to come across one I suppose. I'm sick of the dishonesty. I simply can't understand it. Damn am I fucking tired! I can now roll my eyes and giggle at Dr. Warren with my last stay at Laurelwood for the eating disorder. The woman "Megan", I'm assuming his girlfriend, playing all those silly little mind games. Diane I believe her name was. Why the fuck do you go into psychology to fuck with people? I can't and will never be capable of understanding it. Fucking try and kill someone with a car, then continue to fuck with their head??????!!!!! Why? And what the fuck??!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm truly trying not to give a shit. It's just really not that easy though. Current mood: drained.
So, because of last night of course my mood will be all over the place today. This I must be prepared for today. Feeling quite well regarding the body image. Looking in the mirror now, due to the fluid retention I'm actually more satisfied now then I was yesterday and all of last week. I'm not as bony and my boobs are fuller. Which is always a bonus. So can't complain there. Writing more then anything helps. The mind games already are getting old. Move on to the next borderline old men. I am who I am, I will always struggle with my issues, however I'm learning. And if others feel the need to gain pleasure from these mistakes, then I suppose that's their business. I have enough going on in my life which I need to focus and work on. So, I ate a shit ton last night! Guilty? Well of course. However at this point in time absolutely nothing I'm able of doing to reverse the effects. So pointless in wasting energy obsessing over what occurred. All I'm capable of doing in situations such as these is learning from them. And what I learned is, "Sarah, no more going out after work for drinks/food". And it's as simple as that. If I do, no ordering food I'm extremely uncomfortable with. For now anyways. Woke up this morning feeling alright. I totally set myself up for these binges with the way I go about eating on a regular basis. I MUST ADD VARIETY!!! Again, otherwise nights like this will continue and the cycle will never cease. The old Sarah would get on the elliptical for 80-120 minutes following a night such as this. However today I will allow only 45 minutes. Also following the meal plan 100% from now on. Even my day off of exercise. Today, no calorie counting!!! Holy shit will this be ridiculously difficult!!! However extremely manageable. I can do it. This I'm absolutely certain of. Throw whatever mind games u want, I can handle it all! Mother fuckers. Current mood:  shocked.
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